As the summer’s top sporting events slowly dry up, playing Ashes Cricket 2009 feels like prolonging the death of an immobile old man. Sure, the real series is into the all-important last test, with none of us the wiser as to who will win, but there’s an air of pointlessness about a game that’s been hastily thrown together to make a quick buck from the Anglo-Aussie gentleman’s rivalry. Virtual cricket simulations haven’t had a regular release in the console world for a while now, and have always lagged behind the shadows of bigger sports that secure a minimalist annual update for fans to lap up contently. Acting as a spiritual successor to Brian Lara’s 2007 outing on the PS2 and Xbox 360, Ashes Cricket 2009 arrives flaunting the excitement of Freddie Flintoff burping his way through an innings of controlled entertainment and orderly tea breaks.

Although hardcore fans of the sport may be politely clapping upon the arrival of Ashes 2009, the rest of us will grunt unappreciatively at a disappointing and lazy product. Early experiences with the game may not be so bad, as you find your feet at the crease, working for runs and boundaries. Then, after an hour or so of play, the initial buzz that this title will provide enough longevity until the next Ashes series rolls round is well and truly out of bounds.

There’s something so freakish about the appearance of Ashes Cricket 2009. Player’s head to the pitch looking like eerily deformed monikers of their real self. Strauss and Ponting stand at the crease waiting for the coin toss to take place, looking almost identical from a profile viewpoint. Flintoff warms up his bowling action with the modesty of a player who actually cares about his physique, and not the jangling man boobs we’ve all grown to love. It’s depressing to see squads of players who look as if they have stuffed their mouths full of grapes, sprinting towards loose balls with the pace of Heather Mills on a treadmill, but Codemasters haven’t seemed to care. The product hardly improves over the previous effort, and fails to provide a realistic take on the cricketing world’s biggest stars, opting for an emotionless, caricature-like appearance instead.

Once you’ve got to grips with the ugliness on the pitch, there’s actually a deceivingly complex control scheme to master. Batting is simple enough, with players choosing to play a defensive, attacking, or lofted shot while aiming in the direction they want to hit. Throw in a meter that highlights how well (or badly) your timing works, and it won’t be long before your driving balls towards the boundary for quick runs. Bowling is similar, but forces players to take into account their chosen formation of fielders, and also the condition of the ball. For fast bowlers, a press of the shoulder buttons will change if you are going to swing, cut, or reverse the ball, meaning the better players will be able to capitalise on weaker opponents when the time is right. When necessary, spin can be added via the triggers, meaning you have complete control of where your bowl ends up, if you manage to stop the meter in the greenest and most accurate position.

It’s a shame that, although the core elements of the game work well, the fielding is a lot less responsive, and will often frustrate. Once a ball has been slogged hard enough to force a reaction, players jitter across screen, often disappearing and reappearing in a different position. They’ll slide from the wicket and towards the ball, often without moving their legs. If this is true to life, then a lot of people are missing out on a sport filled with magical powers and alien beings, especially when you witness the way batsman turn their heads further than 180 degrees to see where the ball has landed.

Fielders also have a knack of not reaching shots that they realistically would and overshooting when they’re aiming to return the crimson sphere to the bowler. Seriously, it’ll be apparent in an instant how your support team are incapable of playing to professional standards, as they miss time and misplace the ball with comedic effect. This lack of efficiency is especially annoying when the same animations are repeated time and time again, allowing the player to predict that their fielder will stumble over the ball three seconds before it happens. Match proceedings appear with the ferociousness of a feebly limbed circus act taking to a new occupation, and not with the quick return play that cricket fans are used to.

As with many other sports games, pointing out the flaws of such titles will definitely not deter the audience it’s aimed at. For the cricketing faithful, there is enough here to provide satisfaction. I’m sure that from The Oval to Brisbane this title will be contested to the final over in local multiplayer sessions, which provides a fair amount of entertainment. Scores are generally much lower here, as you catch your real-life opponent off guard much quicker than the computer. Online play is included, but it must be said, is as barren Mitchell Johnson’s wicket taking abilities right now. After playing a couple of matches you could well find yourself as one of the world’s top ten players, such is the popularity of what is a lag-ridden, slowly progressing attempt on competition. If multiplayer is going to happen, it’ll be in the comfort of your own home with friends or family, where play doesn’t have to stop for a quick sip of tea.

The hardcore players may be pleased to see they can create an equally hideous player to stick into their team of choice, but this is hardly anything new. Once they have completed the legends coaching sessions (littered with the droning, robotic voices of Sir Ian Botham and Shane Warne), the chance to star as a top player will be short-lived and ultimately unrewarding. Don’t expect to see any club teams here, this is purely international cricket all the way, meaning a slow progression from local team to global superstar is unfortunately never going to happen. It’s disappointing once again, as most players will get bored of the repeated manner in which matches unfold, especially if they opt for the headlining Ashes series, which takes serious dedication to complete successfully. If you want a briefer experience, then ODI’s and Twenty20 matches are ready and waiting to provide a much more emphatic and satisfying blast of the sport.

When it comes down to it, Ashes Cricket 2009 will receive mixed attention from gamers depending on their view of the sport. For those who love it, here’s a remarkably ugly, yet playable rendition of the game, full with enough options to keep them interested for a fair while. For those who loathe it, here’s an insanely hideous, repetitive mess that’ll have you reaching for the bat in an attempt to plough it through your own skull. Unfortunately for me, I enjoy the sport, but still find this title to be reminiscent of its cover star Kevin Pietersen: insistently frustrating, lazy, and limping off before the second test.

Grade: C-